My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
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[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.