My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
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My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first