My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
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*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Herpes is trending, good job people
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
May have had one breakfast too many
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
same vibe as tangled headphones