my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
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No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*