My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
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Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
no one likes gloating
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
i think both sides are to blame here
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁