My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
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People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
tell em, edith-anne