My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
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Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED