my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
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sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.