“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
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Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.