My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
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[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy