My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
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My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives