My doctor didn’t finish at the top of her class, but she assures me she copied off the person who did.
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If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.