My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
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A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.