My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
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Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?