My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
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Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
A Short Story.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party