my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
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[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this