My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
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I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.