My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
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ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Never go to sleep after making me angry
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
meanwhile over on facebook
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.