My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
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Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Not all heroes wear capes…
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
New comic up. “Ransom”
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property