My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
You Might Also Like
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end