My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
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I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
I can’t deal with men any longer
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?