My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
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I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water