My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
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One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Me :
All Day At Night
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.