My doctor says I only have one diabete.
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Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
*jingles half the way*
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?