My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
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Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth