My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
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When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.