My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
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Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Think I pulled my liver
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.