My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
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PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
how much does a mortician urn in a year
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.