My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
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Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Attacked by a mop.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
he’s doing your taxes
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down