My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
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Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
I’ll be mad as hell!
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Friday
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Cats are still liquid.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.