@ericsshadow

My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.

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@Birdhumms

“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”

*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.

@zoeklar

my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”

@MrGeorgeWallace

Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.

@AimeeHelene1

My CW just barked.

Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.

@Playing_Dad

Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.

@lizard_wizard77

“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee

@MoistPork

Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.

@QwertyJones3

HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president

KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!

@KimmyMonte

if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo