My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.

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“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”

*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.


my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”


Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.


My CW just barked.

Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.


Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.


“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee


Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.


HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president



if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo