My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
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In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Boom, boom, ching!
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.