Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Ygrene

Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries

@HatfieldAnne

Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.

@Nickadoo

I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”

@mynameisntdave

Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.

@JermHimselfish

Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.

@TheAlexNevil

[first day as astronaut]

*vomits

Me: That’s normal, right?

Instructor: Not during a written exam, no

@sonictyrant

Waiter: May I recommend the steak?

Dracula: You may not

@AimeeHelene1

A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.

@tastefactory

*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”

@Pork_Chop_Hair

When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.