My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
You Might Also Like
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Donkey Kong sommelier
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that