@Shira

My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.

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@WeirdHorse

Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol

@ThisLocalHater

If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.

For example: Her panties were muggy af.

@MichaelTrying

It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.

@SortaBad

My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster

@MichaelTrying

My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.

@TheCatWhisprer

DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common

MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile

@MarfSalvador

[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”

@WickedNadia39

Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.