@Shira

My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.

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@Ygrene

Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries

@HatfieldAnne

Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.

@Nickadoo

I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”

@TheAlexNevil

[first day as astronaut]

*vomits

Me: That’s normal, right?

Instructor: Not during a written exam, no

@tastefactory

*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”

@Pork_Chop_Hair

When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.