My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
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Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.