My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
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Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”