My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
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I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio