My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
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Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.