My dog after a walk in the woods.
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I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Another interesting #factupdates post!
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”