Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.

You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse

ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*

BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters

Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.

A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.

In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.

Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]

CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*

ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!

CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?

ME: *Considers* … come in.

I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”

one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar

Damn you, Autocorrect !

Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?

You are the banner of my existence.

This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN

Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox

My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.

I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.

Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.

when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”

Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.

If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.

My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin

Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”

9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework

Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever

Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.

coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name