My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL

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My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.


Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber


People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.


Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.


4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.


He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.


Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”


When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”


hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious