My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
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My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Hank is one in a melon.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.