My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
You Might Also Like
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
synchronized noseblowing
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.