My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
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Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
pat pat
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.