@DaddyJew

My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.

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@canadasandra

Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.

@Tommytoughstuff

[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*

@GrantTanaka

As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”

@truegritrumble

PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.

@noog

*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?

@Kyle_Lippert

911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”

@sarahkendzior

Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.

@Ruth_A_Buzzi

If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.