@SamSkoronski

My dog ate my work from home.

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Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers

@jlestos

Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.

@Jeeepsta

I gave a co-worker my word today …

And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …

@bornmiserable

if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse

@MindyFurano

if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to

@PaperWash

I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.

@causticbob

There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus

@SomeChrisTweets

When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.

@Dad_At_Law

10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.