My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
My dog ate my work from home.
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1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Siri, fight Alexa.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”