My dog ate my work from home.

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My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.


1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later

2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants


Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!

My wife: Yeah, like his dad

Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*


Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe


i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed


learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar


Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.


Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?

Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.


When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”