My dog ate my work from home.

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Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers


Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.


I gave a co-worker my word today …

And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …


if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse


if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to


I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.


There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus


When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.


10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.