@SamSkoronski
@TuffyNyC My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
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@TuffyNyC 
@mattytalks 1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
@MarfSalvador Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
@SteveMarriott Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
@dubstep4dads i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
@prufrockluvsong learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
@lawbsterfest Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
@ojedge Siri, fight Alexa.
@GingerHotDish Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
@thenoahkinsey When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”