My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
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[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
U talkin 2 me?
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.