My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
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“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
my proudest tweet
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.