my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
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Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
I have many caverns
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
The sacred texts.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.