My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
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I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Planet of the Apps.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no