My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
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[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
I feel it
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.