My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
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Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
God, I love Scotland
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife