@P1ssed_K1d

My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.

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@Playing_Dad

[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.

@theawkwardful

My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.

@LostFelicia

Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.

@bazlyons

They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’

@BadJordon

ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in

SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin

@Reverend_Scott

“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”

It’s fall??

“Ya, so what?”

[leaves start attacking everyone]

OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED

@joshgondelman

Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.

@Storminika

I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’

@blaha_Who

Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel

@farouq_yahaya

I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.

It’s called an oughtobiography.