*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
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When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…
“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.