@P1ssed_K1d

My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.

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@iwearaonesie

*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?

@ejt___

When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants

@Beamo23

Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.

@EndhooS

“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead

@vangobot

waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours

@OMGSoOverIt

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

@Reverend_Scott

God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.

Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.

@john_self

Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.

@DadandBuried

My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.

It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.

@Reverend_Scott

*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…

“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”

SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.