my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
You Might Also Like
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
You can’t rush stupid.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman